The Dark Side of Being ‘Nice’: When People-Pleasing Becomes Self-abandonment

Self abandonment is the act of neglecting or betraying oneself—emotionally, physically, or mentally—in ways that prioritize external validation, avoid discomfort, or suppress true needs and desires. It often involves:

• Ignoring emotions: Dismissing feelings as unimportant or wrong.

• Neglecting needs: Failing to care for physical, mental, or emotional well-being.

• People-pleasing: Prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own to gain approval.

• Harsh self-criticism: Speaking to oneself with judgment rather than compassion.

• Avoiding authenticity: Suppressing thoughts, opinions, or identity to fit in.

Self-abandonment is often linked to childhood conditioning, trauma, or societal expectations that teach people to seek external approval over self-trust. Healing involves self-awareness, self-compassion, and learning to honour one’s emotions and boundaries.

Most of us grow up hearing that being nice is a virtue. We’re taught to be kind, agreeable, and accommodating. And on the surface, these seem like good qualities. But what happens when “being nice” turns into a pattern of silencing ourselves, ignoring our needs, and making others comfortable at our own expense?

For many, this isn’t just a habit—it’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy, developed in response to early experiences of feeling unseen, unheard, or unaccepted. What starts as a way to gain love and connection can, over time, turn into self-abandonment, leaving us disconnected from ourselves in the process.

The Roots of Self-Abandonment: A Childhood Coping Mechanism

As children, our deepest need is to be securely attached to our caregivers. We instinctively seek their love, approval, and attention because our survival—both emotional and physical—depends on it.

But what happens when love and acceptance feel conditional?

• If expressing emotions led to rejection, we learn to suppress them.

• If asserting needs resulted in punishment or withdrawal, we learn to silence ourselves.

• If approval was only given when we were “easy” or “helpful,” we learn to put others first—at all costs.

In these moments, we internalize a powerful belief: Who I am is not enough. I must be what others want me to be in order to be loved and accepted.

And so, we adapt. We become the “nice” child, the one who doesn’t make waves, the one who prioritizes harmony over honesty. We trade authenticity for attachment.

The Adult Consequences: When Niceness Becomes Self-Suppression

Fast forward to adulthood, and this coping mechanism—once a necessity—becomes a pattern that quietly erodes our well-being. Here’s how it often shows up:

• People-Pleasing: Saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” overcommitting, and feeling responsible for others’ happiness.

• Emotional Suppression: Burying frustration, sadness, or anger because we believe they are “wrong” or “too much.”

• Avoidance of Conflict: Going along with things we don’t agree with to keep the peace.

• Chronic Self-Doubt: Struggling to trust our own feelings, wants, and boundaries.

• Exhaustion & Resentment: Feeling drained from constantly meeting others’ needs while neglecting our own.

What makes this pattern so insidious is that it often masquerades as kindness. We tell ourselves we’re just being considerate, easygoing, or compassionate. But real kindness includes kindness to ourselves, and when that’s missing, our niceness becomes self-betrayal.

Reclaiming Yourself: Breaking the Cycle of Self-Abandonment

Healing from self-abandonment means learning that our worth is not tied to how well we meet others’ expectations. It means recognizing that true belonging comes from being fully seen—not just from being agreeable.

Here are some ways to start reclaiming yourself:

1. Identify Your Suppression Patterns – Notice when you’re dismissing your own feelings or avoiding expressing your needs out of fear of disapproval.

2. Validate Your Own Needs – Remind yourself that your needs, desires, and boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s.

3. Practice Discomfort – If you’re used to prioritizing others, speaking up for yourself will feel uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. Discomfort is not danger.

4. Set Boundaries Without Guilt – Saying “no” or disagreeing doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you honest. Healthy relationships can handle honesty.

5. Reconnect with Your Authentic Self – Spend time reflecting on what you truly want, feel, and believe—outside of others’ expectations.

6. Seek Support – If self-abandonment runs deep, therapy or self-reflection work can help you untangle where this pattern began and how to shift it.

The Shift: From Niceness to Authentic Kindness

Being kind and being true to yourself are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the more we honuor our own needs, the more authentic and sustainable our kindness becomes.

Real kindness isn’t about pleasing others at our own expense—it’s about showing up as our full, honest selves while also respecting others. And when we do that, we build relationships based on genuine connection, not on the silent hope that if we’re just nice enough, we’ll finally be loved.

Because the truth is, we already are enough, exactly as we are.

If this resonates with you, contact Reflect Reset Renew Therapy Services. We’re here to help you recognize how people-pleasing and self-abandonment show up in your life and let us support you on your journey toward healing.